Things you love- eating, baths, being held, sleeping, riding in the car/ergo carrier/stroller, pacifiers.

I’m feeling very good, recovering from your birth. This time of year feels so invigorating and beautiful- the perfect motivation for getting outside and moving around. Your grandma comes over nearly every day to hold you for a few hours so I can nap, shower or run errands. Sometimes we just hang out together and marvel at you. I can’t imagine not having her or the rest of our huge support network.

At 3:45 am I was checked and found to be complete. I was propped into a seated position to let gravity work for us.

At 5 am, I was reclined into a position for pushing. With Donna and nurse Bridget helping to move my legs, while Michael and mom helped to push me up and curl me around my belly. At this point, I’m assuming my pain was lessened, but I could feel each oncoming contraction which helped with pushing.

After about an hour, Dr. Chen reached inside me to move the position of your head so that you could come through. This was incredibly painful and we took a break from pushing to let you move down in a seated position.

At around 6:30 am, my favorite doctor in my practice came on duty. I’d been trying to think of ways to bribe her to be at your birth, and it just so happened she was scheduled today! With Dr. Nolan came nurse Mina. They both brought more determination and confidence to me. And at 6:50 am, we were all working hard again at pushing you out. I felt like I had the dream team surrounding me and I was able to stay strong and calm with breathing and resting in between contractions. I was also very distracted by a deep pain I felt in my left hip. You must have been pressing on something, because I haven’t felt it since. We pushed for ages! I felt like you were crowning for hours- and I started to lose some of my cool around 8 am. At this point, Michael and mom were taking turns sneaking down to check you out. We were getting very close.

Your head finally came out (and now that you’re out I see what took so long!) and after some very intense back to back pushing without breaks I got your shoulders out, which was the worse pain of the whole delivery. Then with a gush I felt all of your limbs slide out (8:38am). An incredible sensation that I won’t ever forget. Apparently, Dr. Nolan was getting a workout trying to pull you out, but I was so in my own self, with my eyes closed, breathing and trying not to be afraid that I had no concept of the room. Even after huge animal scream/moan that I let out with your body coming out (according to Michael) I closed my eyes and caught my breath while you we’re brought to my body.

Seeing you for the first time was so magical. To go through all that we have to get you here, then to see you! And for you to be so alive and perfect and strong and beautiful. It was overwhelming.
Happy birthday, Gloria Michele!

We celebrated my Dad’s bday Monday night and I enjoyed a big meal and a Graeter’s chip wheelie. I had to quit food and drink at midnight because of the drugs coming my way. I didn’t sleep too much that night- lots of anticipation! Michael slept with me that night, as he did almost every night I was hospitalized (amazing!) and my mom showed up early and excited. We had no clue of what to expect. All of my questions about timing/difficulty/pain were answered with ‘it depends on the pregnancy/mom/baby/etc’…

Of course, things moved a little slower than we’d planned- I didn’t actually start being induced until around 8 am. I had to have some blood drawn for testing and I had to shower with a special antibacterial soap- in the chance that we’d be headed for a c-section…

I was on pitocin for about 20 minutes when the docs switched gears. My cervix hadn’t been checked since our 36 week visit. At that point I was 3 cm/50% effaced, but upon a new exam- I was found to only be about 3 cm/30% effaced (damn cervix!). In order to try to soften my cervix, a pill called misoprostol was placed. They planned to give me a 4 hour window for some action. The meso did give me some contractions and I worked through them and didn’t feel all that much pain.

Another exam must have shown a little movement in the right direction, so the pitocin was restarted around 2 pm. After a long day of contracting, we got a visit from our incredible doula, Donna. She hung out with us and was there with us when the doc decided to break my waters to see if that would get things moving. At 9:46 pm, they broke my water which was the wildest sensation. I am told it didn’t look this way, but I imagined a white water river rushing out of me. It seemed like so much liquid gushed out! I instantly started having very strong contractions with very little time in between to recover. I knew within minutes that after the fatigue of the entire day and the new, more intense pain- that it was epidural time.

Donna stayed with me while the epidural was placed, around 10:30 pm. I felt much needed relief and also increased anxiety. Something about the drug made me feel claustrophobic in my own body. While I wasn’t feeling pain, I wasn’t able to relax. When I closed my eyes I felt a scary sinking feeling and I eventually had the anesthetist ‘turn down’ my dosage. Not sure what this meant in the scheme of things, but after dozing a bit- I woke up with much more sensation… Which was wonderful for experiencing your birth! In the meantime, we sent Donna home to rest and Michael was able to snooze while my mom hung with me into the wee hours of Wednesday…

My belly looks more round head on, but seems to have shrunk this week. I think she’s down low getting ready…

I’ve been having lots of feelings. It’s actually been very hard for me to keep my cool. I’ve had lots of tears in the past few weeks because I thought we were through all of the hard part. I feel like I have been such a trooper during my cerclage and my bed rest and the anxiety and fear of getting to viability… I can’t believe that even more is coming our way… I’m frustrated at having to be here in the hospital when it seems like something I could be managing at home. Bored. Tired. Resigned to this pregnancy being so so difficult. Sad that I don’t get to feel pure excitement about our daughter’s birthday coming soon- instead I’m worried about my own body and health, our delivery, her health- feeling really bogged down with medical issues and its really taking ALL of the fun out of it… Jealous that I am not a lucky woman with an easy, cute, active pregnancy. And at the end still smiling because Michael is here with me and we have still been laughing and trying to make the best of it.

Everyone says she’ll be so worth it- and I’m sure that is true- but I’m feeling pretty inconsolable until I actually get to see her. Even with my imagination, I haven’t been able to summon visual or mental images or daydreams about our soon to be family… It’s sad to me, and I’m hoping a switch is flipped the second I start labor. Because we are so lucky to be this far, to be so close to knowing her and naming her and loving her more than anything.

BEET AND FARRO SALAD

Peel and cube a few beets, then clean and chop the beet greens. Sauté an onion, adding the beet green stems, CRP, s & p. Once soft, add the beet greens, a splash of white wine, broth or water and cover. Put the beets in a large pot of salty water and bring to a boil. Once boiling, add the farro (I cook the whole bag, this makes a great leftover!) Cook for ten minutes, then drain. Mix the beets and farro with the sautéed greens, some big glugs of olive oil, a few tbsp. of red wine vinegar and a cup of feta cheese. Maybe give it some more seasoning. Yum! The farro gets kinda pink, being boiled with the beets. I like that.

CRISPY FETA SALMON

Line a sheet tray with foil and get your broiler fired up. The first time I made this, it was the inaugural broiler experience for me and my special oven- and it is now my favorite thing to think about. Season the salmon with salt and pepper. Make a delicious sauce: 1 cup mayo- or mayo cut with plain yogurt, sour cream, etc. 1 cup feta, zest and juice of a lemon, lots of chopped dill and mint.

Spread the sauce on the salmon and stick the tray under your broiler.
Keep an eye on things, you may need to give the tray a spin or a shift to get the nice crunchy, browned but not burned crust…

If the crust is looking good, but it’s not quite time to serve, you can just switch off the broiler and decrease the oven temperature. This preparation seems to keep the fish nice and juicy- so I have given it about ten more minutes at that pace…

A big scoop of the beet and farro salad and a nice chunk of salmon, this meal feels full of superfood and also slightly naughty (the mayo!)

1.5 cups flour, 1.5 cups muesli, 0.5 cups brown sugar (packed), 3 tsp. baking powder, 1 tsp. salt, 0.5 tsp. cinnamon, 1 cup medjool dates (pitted, chopped) and 1 cup walnuts (chopped) in one bowl.
1 cup goat yogurt, 0.5 cups milk, 4 tbsp. butter (melted, cooled), 2 eggs and a splash of vanilla in another bowl.
Mix dry together. Mix wet together. Add wet to dry and mix. Bake in a sprayed muffin tin at 400 for 30 minutes, ish.

We’ve got the baby’s room nearly all settled in… Clothes and sheets washed, folded and organized. We’ve got diapers and wipes ready to go. I still haven’t pulled any of the breast pump stuff out, but I’m sure after my breast feeding class next week I’ll be more curious about getting familiar.

I love that Marlow spends lots of time lounging in the nursery, I wonder if she’ll keep it up when things get a little more interesting in there.

We ‘graduated’ from our birthing class this week. We were given private sessions in our home with a family friend who is a childbirth educator and doula. It was so informative and definitely boosted our confidence. After the near trauma (ok, for sure trauma) of delivering Bing, it was incredible to learn about what happens in your body during labor, things we can choose in the hospital (that all things work as they should) and comfort and breathing techniques that Michael and my mom can help me with to manage pain. We went into the whole thing very uneducated and uncertain and now we are planning to craft a ‘birth plan’ that we’ll try to follow! We have been so focused on just having a healthy baby and trying to be as flexible as we’ve needed to be to make that happen- it feels great to start thinking that we might have a really positive, in control, connected sort of birth experience. All this coinciding with her being head down- while a huge relief, is also causing me lots of pain and mentally preparing me for getting her out. I’m feeling ready to be done with pregnancy…

I’ll get my cerclage out in two weeks and discontinue my vaginal progesterone and my progesterone shots then. It’s anyone’s guess how much longer she’ll stay in after that. I’ve read that some women even have to be induced (cruel joke!).

We also had private childbirth classes with an amazing childbirth educator and doula this week. Our first of two sessions covered so much information that we would have never thought of on our own. The kinds of things we can question in the hospital- IVs, positioning, moving around, etc. and tons of practical knowledge about the phases of labor. She specializes in unmedicated births, so we’ll talk about comfort techniques during our entire next session. I’m so excited to learn about how to try to make this experience a million times better than our last, where I spent the whole time flat on the bed, terrified and unsure of the process. I already feel way more prepared and I hope the whole ‘getting to hold G in my arms after’ part will be a huge mental and physical motivator!

I’ve also spent this week learning to sew on my new sewing machine!!! Of course, we started with baby supplies- a ‘wet’ bag for dirty diapers when I’m on the go, basically a large zippered pouch with a waterproof liner inside. And I’ve heard them called ‘taggies’- a little fleece blanket with soft ribbon tags sticking out:

Here’s to another week!

We had the party at my house, since when we started planning- we weren’t quite sure what my status would be… It worked out great being here. Turns out my house fits a nice crowd comfortably and having the industrial kitchen can’t be beat! Plus, I didn’t have to shuffle gifts around- and there were mass gifts!

We got together on Friday to clean my place and make three big batches of soup. I love eating soup from a bread bowl- so that was the food theme- perfect for a winter shower. We also had a great big fruit salad, a green salad, cupcakes from take the cake and Leah’s brown butter sugar cookies. Food heaven. My house has not been this clean in recent history- and mom decked it out with balloons, flowers and tons of pink! It all felt very festive and special.

Folks came over around noon and we dug in to lunch soon after. Then we all sat around while my guests took turns opening a ridiculous mountain of gifts. I am still feeling so overwhelmed by the generosity of everyone who came (and some who couldn’t make it). Then there were games with the stand out being ‘match the Gloria song to the artist’. I love how many types of songs there are with her name in them.

I had worried leading up to it that we’d planned the shower for too early (or too late) but I must say that the timing of this weekend was perfect. I have been letting myself relax and feel more confident and excited about my pregnancy recently, and to have a whole afternoon of celebrating me and her- I felt so happy and open to being ‘showered’ on…

I’m very excited to start washing and sorting lots of new clothes, swaddling blankets and sheets to get her room all ready for her arrival!